Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
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Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Good dog. ❤️
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution