Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no