Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?