Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
God tier horse name today on the sims
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”