Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
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BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.