Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
thank god the sign was there
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson