Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

the world’s most popular steaming services

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

Important reminders

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…