Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”