Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag