Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.