Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.