Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
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ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.