Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
You Might Also Like
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
79.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I laughed at this way too hard.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Clients after you give them your rates
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE