Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu