Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this