Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.