Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ??
Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.
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My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.