Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
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The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.