Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
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🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
#FunnyLife Insects
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT