Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her