Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?