Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.