Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.