Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping