Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
#TopTip
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*