yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea