yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by