yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
You Might Also Like
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly