Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
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[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My guardian angel deserves a raise