Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

I put the hot in psychotic.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

*eating catfish*

This looks nothing like it did on the menu

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.