Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
I will never stop laughing at this
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…