Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
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I drew y’all a little something.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
✨☝️✨
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth