Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

This meal prepping shit easy

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.