Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
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Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You