Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*