Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
im gay on my mothers side