Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

😅🤣😂

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon