Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Thank heavens for community notes
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.