Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY