Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.