Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
hello pervert is such a strong opener
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
