Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
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Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”