Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*