Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
X-tra spooky blend
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.