YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
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more water
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.