YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Banana is the quietest snack
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined