YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Stop
Two types of dogs.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”