Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.