Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
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that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time