Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
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Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️