Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Worth remembering.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”