Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
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ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I can’t be the only one 😂
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.