Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

this is how life feels

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.