“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.