“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I enjoy a good short stor
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
work smarter, not harder
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON