“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that