Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone