Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.