Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”