Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You Might Also Like
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.