Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You Might Also Like
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer