Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.