Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class