Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.