Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.