Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.