YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*seductively eats two tums*
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.