Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

Taco Bell, Exit 22

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.