Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Good morning y’all ☀️
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel