Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
That 👊
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops