Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
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Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Doggies just call it style.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.