Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
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How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.