Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

I enjoy a good short stor

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.