Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

if my sleeping schedule was a person

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

Education is vital

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.