Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?